Part 2 - told the kids

CanChi4
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:34 am

Part 2 - told the kids

Post by CanChi4 »

Ugh. We knew it would be tears and anger. It was. We told our children we were moving to another country. One said absolutely not and still is awake. The other cried and hid under the blanket. We are feeling guilty but have planned on doing this for many years. We will keep discussing it with them and have planned to follow some advice seen here and some from other friends of ours who have lived or are still living elsewhere.
I made a beautiful Power Point which showed all the great things about the area and pictures of the school. They were not impressed.
sid
Posts: 1392
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2006 11:44 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by sid »

Stay strong. This too shall pass.
Kids don't like change in theory. Over time, they will come to see the good parts. Their lives will change, sometimes better, sometimes not, but overall they will be rounder, more developed people as a result, and that's a good thing.
Our kids, now older, would not trade their overseas experiences for anything. Not that they liked the idea at first.
Nomad68
Posts: 175
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2012 11:50 pm
Location: East of nowhere you want to be

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by Nomad68 »

Sorry to read this. For us we are doing it in reverse. Our kids were born in the ME and we are gradually working our way back to WE where we can have a more 'normal' life with long-term stability. But even at their pre-school age they are affected by the various moves and sudden loss of friends and familiar surroundings.
aburr
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2017 8:35 pm

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by aburr »

It sounds like you are great parents and you have nothing to feel terribly about. Just remember all the reasons why you chose to take the job and morale will improve. Give your kiddos a few days, maybe weeks, hopefully not months but possibly, and everything will start improving. Best of luck to you and yours!!!
mamava
Posts: 320
Joined: Sat May 11, 2013 7:56 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by mamava »

I would plan on a long period of adjustment. Not tears and tantrums, but anger, sadness, anxiety, excitement, etc. coming and going throughout the transition process. We've done 4 moves and all those emotions are present at every turn. Maybe think about not hyping up the new place for awhile, esp. if they are not in the frame of mind of being able to hear it right now. It could reinforce their perception that you don't care about what happens to them, only to your fantastic adventure that they are hostages to. They do need to understand that you respect their feelings and their sense of upheaval. They will come around and it will be a great thing for your family, but people (myself included) often tend to underestimate just how hard these changes can be on our children. There are families who have kids who have rolled easily with transitions like this, but my experience is that that's not the norm. Good luck!
mamava
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Joined: Sat May 11, 2013 7:56 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by mamava »

Sorry for another post--I hope that I didn't come across as negative in my reply. I've seen parents expect their kids to just get over it, or who are upset because their kids aren't having the same anticipation and enthusiasm that they are feeling. I just wanted to mention that the transition often takes longer than expected, and emotions can flare up at unexpected times. The great experiences of travel and living overseas are very real, and for your kids to realize and feel that, they have to go through these other emotions first.
chilagringa
Posts: 335
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2011 7:19 pm

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by chilagringa »

When my parents made me move (across country) when I was 14 it RUINED MY LIFE!

Haha, not really. I got over it eventually :) I teach middle schoolers... they sure love hyperbole!
joe30
Posts: 230
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 4:10 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by joe30 »

Where are you planning to move to?

If it's the ME then sorry but I'm with your kids on this one.
PsyGuy
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Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:51 am
Location: Northern Europe

Response

Post by PsyGuy »

This was going to happen. Kids at that age have low tolerances to change. I generally agree with @Mamava, the big challenge now is understanding that:
1) They will adjust it will take time.
2) They will have questions and fears and some them will involve them wondering if they did something wrong or if they can change it somehow. Dont be surprised if your children come back with new local opportunities they will miss out on if you relocate.
3) They will blame you with the fear is going to come anger, this has to be vented and expressed somehow.
4) Along with number 2 be prepared for the manipulation.
5) Dont let it get to you personally. At a certain point your going to get to the stage of "Its happening get over with it". This is grownup think, not tween/teen think.
6) Provide tools and opportunities before departure, but dont push. Preparing a regional or local meal for a dinner, dont be surprised if you meet resistance. Dont push, present.
7) Get your stories straight between the two of you, persistence and unification with common answers between you and your spouse. Your kids need to hear the same thing from both of you.
8) All the tech is great but dont loose sight of or lower your rules and expectations with social media. Just because its a new and foreign platform doesnt change that its still social media.
9) Be prepared to do research, at a certain point your kids will have questions and you will need to provide answers quickly.
10) Dont OVER push or sell it. Be prepared to discuss positives and negatives, if it sounds too good kids will wonder what the catch is.
senator
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:53 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by senator »

When do you plan to reach the point where you just have to say to your kids: this is a great opportunity for all of us, we are the parents, you are the children, and, in the end, we are making this decision?

Let's be honest, you are not going to pass up this opportunity if your kids just keep resisting. Are you?

So in the end, the kids need to know the chain of command.

I've found that, in my schools over a few years, the happiest and most successful and adjusted families are those that don't negotiate too many issues with their kids.
mamava
Posts: 320
Joined: Sat May 11, 2013 7:56 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by mamava »

I don't think anyone was suggesting that the kids could be hijacking the whole deal--if that were the case, than the family has not done their prep work and the kids knew this was in the works and that this was a change that was coming (even with that, kids often react much stronger to the actual decision than when it was theoretical). I think the message is that the transition takes time, it is a challenge (even when it all goes well) and parents should be prepared for that and be patient as the kids work their way through their emotions.

Families who have done it several times know that some things get easier but every move is at a different stage of their lives, so every move is, in some ways, a new experience. Those who choose to embark on the international teaching life with kids should know that the loss/transition/anticipation cycle is part of the fabric of life. It's good--really good--but it brings its own unique challenges for sure!
PsyGuy
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Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:51 am
Location: Northern Europe

Reply

Post by PsyGuy »

@Senator

ITs have rescinded a contract acceptance (and at the last minute) because the kids just hadnt adjusted.
CanChi4
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:34 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by CanChi4 »

Update:
The older one has been more open than I expected. She has told all her friends, and is asking lots of questions. She just warned me that I owe her new clothes and decorations for the new house (she's excited about that!) as a payback for moving her away from her friends. She already has it worked out for her and her BFF to vacation together (friend's mom is open to visiting us).
Younger one is determined not to go. She was looking forward to being part of several clubs here that don't exist there and is not open to hearing about new adventures. I told her that when she is ready, we can talk. After that she asked a few questions. She will have the tougher time though, for sure. Thank goodness for Instagram, Facetime, etc. All the ways to communicate with family and old friends back home...
We have been honest that we are nervous, too. But looking forward to new experiences!
Thames Pirate
Posts: 1150
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 8:06 am

Re: Part 2 - told the kids

Post by Thames Pirate »

Sounds like you have some great kids and that you are helping them handle it in their own ways and timelines. Keep it up! Ten years from now, show them this thread for some laughs.
PsyGuy
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Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:51 am
Location: Northern Europe

Reply

Post by PsyGuy »

@CanChi4

Buy the clothes for her BEFORE you leave, dont know where your going, but outside of knockoffs, most tween/teen trendy clothes are basically couture outside the US (Brandy Melville is at least 50% more than what youd pay in the US, unless your in Italy).

BFFs vacation probably wont happen, not for the BFFs side. Its going to be a huge expense for the girls basically to see each other, the realistic way is that you/she visit the BFF in the US.
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