Hi All,
I've never posted before so please be kind. I'm just kind of looking for any advice from those who have done this and have it. :)
I have received a one year contract position at a great school in WE. I know how fortunate I am in that regards, with no real international teaching experience. I haven't completely accepted because I am hesitant for one (big) reason.
My question is regarding long distance relationships, and how difficult it was to maintain with the time difference? My partner and I are planning on getting engaged this summer, probably before this job would start. However, he won't be able to come with me as his job most likely won't permit him to. This has been something I've wanted to do for a long time, however, I am nervous with the time difference and being apart for a year, especially during such a critical point in our relationship. I'm in my early 30s, so I'm not that old or young either way. I want to start a family and do all of those things, and we can and will either way, I just don't know if I'm being ridiculous about being concerned about the long distance. Has anyone done this before??
Appreciate your input.
Long Distance
Re: Long Distance
so why not wait on the engagement?
depending on your personality type, and what your common agreements with your partner are, it is going to be very tough for you (and him).
you should be concerned about the long distance. it's very difficult. i've seen it destroy people! why do it? i suppose you're not married so there's a plus.
good luck!
v.
depending on your personality type, and what your common agreements with your partner are, it is going to be very tough for you (and him).
you should be concerned about the long distance. it's very difficult. i've seen it destroy people! why do it? i suppose you're not married so there's a plus.
good luck!
v.
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shadowjack
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2012 9:49 am
Re: Long Distance
Have him/her come visit, you do the same, skype regularly etc. My wife and I were apart for a year shortly after we got married and have endured 6 - 8 month separations at different times in the marriage.
Response
If he cant relocate with you at some point either break up before you go or dont go. The distance and time difference will very likely damage your relationship, especially if you have grand plans of a future together. Is your relationship survives it will take much more than a year to repair assuming either of you does something detrimental to the relationship.
You can always visit whatever country your interested in on your honeymoon or holiday.
You can always visit whatever country your interested in on your honeymoon or holiday.
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wanderworld
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Tue May 19, 2015 9:42 am
Re: Long Distance
Oh man....I thought there might be more 'it's not that bad!' responses, so that's good to know I guess. I've traveled pretty extensively, just hadn't lived abroad before, but have always wanted to and it's such a great opportunity. Thanks for the advice though.
@shadowjack, how often were you guys able to see each other?
@shadowjack, how often were you guys able to see each other?
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wrldtrvlr123
- Posts: 1173
- Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 10:59 am
- Location: Japan
Re: Long Distance
I'm going to take a risk and post a semi-serious response. Is one of you "dating up" or are you at close to the same level on the overall desirability scale (i.e. attractiveness, personality, background, etc)? If the answer is yes, and he is the one dating up, then it should be OK. If the answer is no, or you are dating up, then I would not go. If you are not sure, then maybe someone could post a metric of comparison/rating scale for you.
Seriously though, I understand your concern but none of us can really contribute much to your situation. I know for us, it would be a very bad idea. We wouldn't necessarily split up but one of us would be very unhappy (which of course means I..er..I mean the other of us would also be very unhappy).
I know many people who have made it work and come out the other side closer than when they started. I also know lots of people who have had their relationship crash and burn.
What is his feeling about you going? If he is lukewarm about the idea but not begging you to stay it could mean that he is already imagining himself without you. If he is gung ho about it, he could be ready for the sacrifice but willing do put up with anything not to lose you completely (or, he is already imagining himself without you. J/k. Sort of).
Obviously you will know him and your relationship best. Whatever you do will be a gamble and something may have to give. Try and weigh up what is most important to you and how great a risk are you taking (relationship vs. a dream job that may never happen again),
Good luck and keep us posted.
Seriously though, I understand your concern but none of us can really contribute much to your situation. I know for us, it would be a very bad idea. We wouldn't necessarily split up but one of us would be very unhappy (which of course means I..er..I mean the other of us would also be very unhappy).
I know many people who have made it work and come out the other side closer than when they started. I also know lots of people who have had their relationship crash and burn.
What is his feeling about you going? If he is lukewarm about the idea but not begging you to stay it could mean that he is already imagining himself without you. If he is gung ho about it, he could be ready for the sacrifice but willing do put up with anything not to lose you completely (or, he is already imagining himself without you. J/k. Sort of).
Obviously you will know him and your relationship best. Whatever you do will be a gamble and something may have to give. Try and weigh up what is most important to you and how great a risk are you taking (relationship vs. a dream job that may never happen again),
Good luck and keep us posted.
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Ifyousayso
- Posts: 26
- Joined: Tue Apr 21, 2015 2:55 pm
Re: Long Distance
I think you two are the only two people who can possibly answer this.
I know Its not what I would want because we would both be unhappy but every relationship is different.
I know Its not what I would want because we would both be unhappy but every relationship is different.
Re: Long Distance
Congrats on the great job, but you are completely right to be asking yourself these tough questions about a relationship. I agree with the others on here too who say that only you know your relationship - that much is very true and I can only share my own experience.
After teachers' college, I left for a job in SA - and left a 5 year relationship, because it was something that I had always wanted to do, the opportunity, the experience, and so on. Inevitably, things came to an end - very upsetting at the time, but now - many, many years later - I just ask myself "you left for a year - what did you expect?". In a year, in a new job, in a new country, you will experience so much and it will definitely leave an impression on you, and perhaps even cause you to change somewhat of yourself, whether you realize it or not. Even (and maybe especially) when you come back 'home', the experiences you had when you were 'away' continue to process and affect the way you see your work, your life and the world in general. This is not to say that this is incompatible with leaving a partner at home - change can be good after all - but you do need to know it will happen and expect it.
In the long run, my story ends happily...a few years later I met a great person, also a teacher, who always wanted to get into the international scene. Together we have traveled and taught and will celebrate our ten year anniversary this June. Certainly not the person - or the life - I was envisioning when I left for SA years ago, but boy did I luck out in the end!
Either way, go in with your eyes open and best of luck.
After teachers' college, I left for a job in SA - and left a 5 year relationship, because it was something that I had always wanted to do, the opportunity, the experience, and so on. Inevitably, things came to an end - very upsetting at the time, but now - many, many years later - I just ask myself "you left for a year - what did you expect?". In a year, in a new job, in a new country, you will experience so much and it will definitely leave an impression on you, and perhaps even cause you to change somewhat of yourself, whether you realize it or not. Even (and maybe especially) when you come back 'home', the experiences you had when you were 'away' continue to process and affect the way you see your work, your life and the world in general. This is not to say that this is incompatible with leaving a partner at home - change can be good after all - but you do need to know it will happen and expect it.
In the long run, my story ends happily...a few years later I met a great person, also a teacher, who always wanted to get into the international scene. Together we have traveled and taught and will celebrate our ten year anniversary this June. Certainly not the person - or the life - I was envisioning when I left for SA years ago, but boy did I luck out in the end!
Either way, go in with your eyes open and best of luck.
Re: Long Distance
I think that every couple is different and that the rules that apply for some do not necessarily apply to others. It is true that ultimately it is a decision that you have to make together and for it to work, you really have to be committed to the relationship and to each other
Some logistical things to consider:
What is the time difference, exactly? Are there times during the day (preferably two windows of opportunity) when you would have an hour to communicate (not that you'd use the whole hour)? Are they convenient? For example, a 7 hour difference for someone that I communicate with long distance means that we talk during my mornings and my afternoons (his afternoons and bedtimes), but that he misses my bedtimes and I miss his mornings. Is that something you can handle?
Where does he live stateside and to what country are you going? Proximity to large international airports makes travel more convenient and significantly more affordable.
Does your financial situation allow for you each to travel to the others' home base at least once a year (for a total of twice), ideally more? Two visits (say Christmas travel for you and spring for him) that are a week long with four months in between is really not that crazy of a thing to handle with Skype and everything else in between.
Does his job situation allow him to get some time off during the year?
Does he have a friend network at home that will keep him supported during your absence? Are you the type of person that will be able to make connections at your new location so that you're not home wishing you were somewhere else? The first few months of a new place are HARD; be prepared to put yourself out there to meet people and engage in activities that lessen the loneliness.
And finally, do you trust each other? Is the sacrifice worth it? Are you willing to make a leap of faith to experience something you've always wanted? Will you or would you or could you repay the favor to him in the future?
The last thing you want is to bail mid-school year; you'd risk a spotty resume, bad references, and it would feel bad.
Good luck in your decision making. I think it's totally possible to have your love and your experience too. It may be hard but that doesn't mean you'll regret it.
Plus, you're probably really looking at 10 or 11 months, not a full year.
:-)
Some logistical things to consider:
What is the time difference, exactly? Are there times during the day (preferably two windows of opportunity) when you would have an hour to communicate (not that you'd use the whole hour)? Are they convenient? For example, a 7 hour difference for someone that I communicate with long distance means that we talk during my mornings and my afternoons (his afternoons and bedtimes), but that he misses my bedtimes and I miss his mornings. Is that something you can handle?
Where does he live stateside and to what country are you going? Proximity to large international airports makes travel more convenient and significantly more affordable.
Does your financial situation allow for you each to travel to the others' home base at least once a year (for a total of twice), ideally more? Two visits (say Christmas travel for you and spring for him) that are a week long with four months in between is really not that crazy of a thing to handle with Skype and everything else in between.
Does his job situation allow him to get some time off during the year?
Does he have a friend network at home that will keep him supported during your absence? Are you the type of person that will be able to make connections at your new location so that you're not home wishing you were somewhere else? The first few months of a new place are HARD; be prepared to put yourself out there to meet people and engage in activities that lessen the loneliness.
And finally, do you trust each other? Is the sacrifice worth it? Are you willing to make a leap of faith to experience something you've always wanted? Will you or would you or could you repay the favor to him in the future?
The last thing you want is to bail mid-school year; you'd risk a spotty resume, bad references, and it would feel bad.
Good luck in your decision making. I think it's totally possible to have your love and your experience too. It may be hard but that doesn't mean you'll regret it.
Plus, you're probably really looking at 10 or 11 months, not a full year.
:-)
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peachestotulips
- Posts: 60
- Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 6:24 am
Re: Long Distance
Me and my partner have done the long distance thing for the past 6 years. We are now living under one roof since Aug. 2014, and will marry in June.
Every couple is different, but I really didn't have any sorrows about the distance because I knew (know) we are working towards our lifetime goals of being together. I never cried on the phone to him about how much I missed him (not that kinda girl). We saw each other maybe twice a year for 2-3 months at a time. Airport drop-offs were tough, but if you do think it will be unbearable to be apart then maybe you shouldn't go. You will be lonely at times. Especially if you're in a romantic city. The only real challenges are those times when you really need your partner by side (in my case death of a parent), and they're not able to be there.
On the other hand, your career is just as important. Your decision solely rests on what you can handle. If you can handle being alone in a new city by yourself and see it as an adventure then go for it. If not, then don't.
If you do go, my advice is to get a Magic Jack. It never seemed like he was far away because we called each other all the time. He was my morning alarm clock. I was the last voice he heard as he drifted asleep at nights. We hardly ever used Skype tbh, though we both had easy access to it. We maybe used it once every 3 or 4 months.
Anyways, all the best!
Every couple is different, but I really didn't have any sorrows about the distance because I knew (know) we are working towards our lifetime goals of being together. I never cried on the phone to him about how much I missed him (not that kinda girl). We saw each other maybe twice a year for 2-3 months at a time. Airport drop-offs were tough, but if you do think it will be unbearable to be apart then maybe you shouldn't go. You will be lonely at times. Especially if you're in a romantic city. The only real challenges are those times when you really need your partner by side (in my case death of a parent), and they're not able to be there.
On the other hand, your career is just as important. Your decision solely rests on what you can handle. If you can handle being alone in a new city by yourself and see it as an adventure then go for it. If not, then don't.
If you do go, my advice is to get a Magic Jack. It never seemed like he was far away because we called each other all the time. He was my morning alarm clock. I was the last voice he heard as he drifted asleep at nights. We hardly ever used Skype tbh, though we both had easy access to it. We maybe used it once every 3 or 4 months.
Anyways, all the best!
Re: Long Distance
If you would like advice from people that go through this on a constant basis go to reddit.com/r/longdistance ... I personally have been doing it for 3 years with 3300 mi between us and 7 hour difference. It is very possible to do this you just have to dedicate time to it. Go read some of the links in the forum and read the advice and recognize the possible struggles, it's really helpful.
Re: Long Distance
Distance? Nothing that was ever at the top of my list, but I've done it now and again (with the same partner) and survived it.
If you're meant to be, if you're truly going to be able to be happily married and partners for the rest of your life, than you should be able to do this distance thing. If you can't handle this particular bump in the road, I don't fancy your chances for handling the others, and there are always others. You could think of it as a test.
Consider getting some counseling before you go, to help you establish baselines for your time apart (not just about "cheating" but about commitments to each other in terms of daily Skype calls, writing little notes to each other, how you will make decisions about what to do with your vacation time...) and also to make sure your relationship is as strong as possible before you leave.
How does time difference factor in? You'll be in Europe, and he will be where? A short time difference is easier, you can Skype whenever and catch each other at random moments. Long is harder, one of you will often be asleep when the other is awake, and one of you will end up staying up late so you can talk. Is that an issue for you? Plan how to work around it.
Think it through. What will it look like, sound like, feel like? What are the scary points and your non-negotiable expectations? Communicate and plan.
If you can do this, good evidence that you can handle other stuff.
If you're meant to be, if you're truly going to be able to be happily married and partners for the rest of your life, than you should be able to do this distance thing. If you can't handle this particular bump in the road, I don't fancy your chances for handling the others, and there are always others. You could think of it as a test.
Consider getting some counseling before you go, to help you establish baselines for your time apart (not just about "cheating" but about commitments to each other in terms of daily Skype calls, writing little notes to each other, how you will make decisions about what to do with your vacation time...) and also to make sure your relationship is as strong as possible before you leave.
How does time difference factor in? You'll be in Europe, and he will be where? A short time difference is easier, you can Skype whenever and catch each other at random moments. Long is harder, one of you will often be asleep when the other is awake, and one of you will end up staying up late so you can talk. Is that an issue for you? Plan how to work around it.
Think it through. What will it look like, sound like, feel like? What are the scary points and your non-negotiable expectations? Communicate and plan.
If you can do this, good evidence that you can handle other stuff.
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shadowjack
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2012 9:49 am
Re: Long Distance
When we were apart for a year we saw each other once, for three weeks. When we were apart 7 months, we didn't see each other. When we were apart for 3 months, not at all. When we were apart for eight months, once for 4 days. When we were apart for two and a half months, not at all.
But we did email, call, skype (and before Skype, Net2Phone, for those who remember "back in the day").
if you have a strong relationship, go for it.
But we did email, call, skype (and before Skype, Net2Phone, for those who remember "back in the day").
if you have a strong relationship, go for it.
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speedracer
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Tue May 28, 2013 9:31 am
Re: Long Distance
My wife and I did the long distance part at the beginning of our relationship (long story ... we met when I was home for Christmas while overseas)
I think the key is whether or not there is a fixed time. You say that this is a one year contract job. Is there a chance to renew or is this something like a maternity cover? IF you know for sure that you will be going back (or he coming to you) after the year then it is a lot easier then, "we'll wait and see what happens after this year"
also it really depends on your relationship. you will know best
I think the key is whether or not there is a fixed time. You say that this is a one year contract job. Is there a chance to renew or is this something like a maternity cover? IF you know for sure that you will be going back (or he coming to you) after the year then it is a lot easier then, "we'll wait and see what happens after this year"
also it really depends on your relationship. you will know best
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wanderworld
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Tue May 19, 2015 9:42 am
Re: Long Distance
Thanks so much for all the responses! It's a seven hour time difference, which is a little tricky because I can't just talk whenever I need to, but I think having pre-determined times to talk and following through with those (for the most part) would be key. I'm not worried about cheating, that's not something either of us would ever do (but knock on wood just to be safe ;) ). The time difference and just having this experience without him, are the hardest for me. He would most likely be able to visit in Sept./Oct. and hopefully March, each for a week. It's a maternity cover which is why it's just a year for now, and there's always the 'depending on how things go' clause, but I think that the year is good. So, we will see!