Let's get real on dating overseas for female expats...!

[radishflower]

I am not going overseas to find a husband (been there, done that, no plans of doing it again!), but yikes, while I am working overseas I don't want to live the life of a nun either! I am getting the sense that the dating scene in many countries (particularly for those of us in the over-35 crowd...) is pretty, um, non-existent? I've lived in a former Eastern bloc Euro country and saw a lot of, sorry, extremely ordinary looking expat men dating gorgeous women the likes of which would not have given them a glance at home... and it sounds like most Asian countries are even worse. What's a single female expat to do?! Please chime in with what you have experienced and seen where you are. Thanks!

[Danda]

The dating scene for women of any age is pretty tough. I am a married guy and don't worry about dating but in several locations I have had close female friend that really struggle for the reasons you describe. The expat guys can land hot local women that wouldn't give them a chance in their home countries so don't worry about "less attractive" (quote from a single guy) and "higher maintenance" (quote form a single guy) expat women. However, I do know a few guys that aren't interested in local women because they either aren't attracted to them or want a relationship with another expat.

Is there a chance? Yes. Is it likely? No.

One of my closest female friends did find the expat guy of her dreams and they are due to get married this summer.

[radishflower]

@ Danda: Thanks for the reply. Ugh. Color me depressed! Though to be fair, finding a thoughtful, intelligent, single man over 40 to date isn't a picnic here on the east coast of the States either! They say in NYC there are five women for every single man... It does make me wonder why those expat men exploring the womanly delights of locals don't get that they are being used for their passports/bank accounts... One of the guys I knew in Eastern Europe married a beautiful local and brought her back to the US--where she unceremoniously dumped him and stayed on in the country! Oh, dear, it's all very strange...

Oh, btw, What is the location where you have seen this?

[Danda]

I too have heard from a close female friend that went back to NYC after living abroad that it isn't easy to find a decent guy there.

Do you really wonder why men don't seem to care? I'll be honest. It is because they are busy having sex with the hottest woman/women they have probably ever had sex with.

Also, many of the women are looking at it as security for the future. It's not so different from what happens in the states. Why are rich men usually married to hotter younger women? Because those women want a better lifestyle. I would say a woman in a developing country has a right to seek a better lifestyle because marrying an expat could be the difference between her family making it on their farm back home or not. In the states, it is the difference between driving a honda or a mercedes.

Men want to have sex with the hottest women possible and women want security and money. It's a symbiotic relationship.

I saw this happen in East Africa, Central Asia and China.

[radishflower]

See, that's what I love about men: you speak in a straightforward way. I really appreciate your candor here, Danda. Doesn't make it any easier to be on the "wrong" side of this equation, but I do understand it more clearly! Thanks.

I'd still love to hear from more folks around the world on what your experiences have been--if you'd mention your age bracket and country, perhaps that would be more elucidating...

[Overhere]

My wife and I met 26 years ago in an overseas school and have been happy ever since, and we were the 3rd couple in two years. At our current school in a big Chinese city we have had several female colleagues in their early 30s meet and marry so its definitely possible.

[radishflower]

@Overhere: Aawww! That is wonderful. What an amazing 26 years you must have had together--and more adventures to come. It is nice to know that people do find love overseas. Thanks for sharing.

[Danda]

I'm half joking when I say you could always try the Peace Corps aka the Marriage Corps. I served with my wife (married a year before we went in) so have no first hand experience with hooking up in the PC. In my group of 35 incoming volunteers there were 3 couples, which left 29 singles. Out of those 29 singles 5 couples got together and got married after returning home. That is a pretty high percentage. Some of the couples are some pretty odd matches but the experience is something that brings people together. I can't imagine doing the PC and then going home and marrying someone that had no idea what it was like as it is something that sticks in your blood.

For those that weren't interested in marraige, they just messed around with each other. Like I said, I was married but heard people slept around quite a bit with each other. All the volunteers were a bit worried about messing around with the locals because it was in East Africa and the HIV rates were pretty crazy.

Plus, you will have the time of your life. The Peace Corps was the most formative experience of my adult life and far more fulfilling than any international teaching job i've ever had.

[radishflower]

I actually considered the Peace Corps. I volunteered with an organization when I was in my twenties, and yes, it was wonderful and formative. There is a part of me that still wants to somehow help regular folks who can't afford fancy international schools... but I decided against the PC because at this stage in my life I need some control over where I go and I also, frankly, don't want to be poor anymore! I just don't want to have to worry about money, and I want my summers off to travel and visit family. So that's why I decided against the PC. I know I am missing something really cool though... maybe in the future... thanks for your comments--very interesting... I volunteer here at home and think that wherever I end up I want to seek out some kind of local volunteer project so I can give back to the community that will be supporting me.

[m101]

Don't come to Thailand.... you'll only get depressed.... just as you've described!

[ExpatGuy]

Being a male expat I have definitely had colleagues that are very interested in expat females.

Local guys are always interested in expat females because they are just as exotic and interesting as the local girls are to guys.

Expat male teachers are also interested in Expat female teachers - especially with the advantages that being a teaching couple gives for interviews, school placement, etc.

[Cooldude]

As a single guy in my late forties, I met the love of my life last year who was teaching in the same school. Unfortunately, the director did not approve of singles dating at all, especially between staff. There have always been singles in the schools I have taught in overseas - the men generally do tend to go for young locals and the women tend to stick to each other.

Just join lots of groups outside school where there is more chance of meeting singles. Some of us do appreciate intelligent mature women instead of local bimbos that we can't communicate with emotionally or intellectually.

Look for larger schools to teach in where there are more singles and avoid religious type schools where you are supposed to be married to the job.

[wistuco]

So cooldude, I have to ask, have you been able to have a relationship with the "love of your life" or did you not pursue it because of the school?

[Cooldude]

Sadly Wistuco we decided to change schools and went to an organization that is large but teachers lives outside school are private. When you are in your forties/fifties you don't expect to be told to ensure that you sleep in your own apartment each night and be home by a certain time in case the security guard reports it to the landlord who would be 'offended.' The upside is that we are very happily together!